One New York Subway, Two Prostitutes and Two Gentlemen

I watched a conversation unfold over Facebook the other day, and I had to re-read one of the comments several times just to make sure I had actually understood it correctly. It turns out I had, and it bothered me enough that I am addressing it now because I think it’s a prevalent thought in today’s society. And I think it’s wrong.

A friend of mine expressed frustration over dressing and acting like a classy woman and she was STILL looked over like a piece of meat and talked to in a way that was very degrading. I can’t help but think that it is too bad her husband wasn’t there because I doubt those men would ever talk that way to any woman again. Anyway, the thing that tripped me up was another woman’s comment in reply to my friend. “Don’t you think the women today have something to do with it? The way they dress and act?’

What I took away from her comment was the belief that a human only deserves to be treated with respect by another human if they’re dressed and act a certain way.

THAT IS WRONG.

I am inordinately blessed in that I come from a long line of gentleman who have sacrificed physical safety and even in some cases, their careers, because they refused to stand by while women were being disrespected. They do not dissect a person’s character before deciding how they will treat others around them. They have a basic belief that they are called as men, to treat all women like ladies, EVEN IF THEY'RE NOT. This is what makes them gentlemen.

Why? Because this is how respectable human beings treat each other. How other people treat you should NOT define how you treat them. And if you treat a woman based upon her actions as a lady, all that says about you is that you are NOT a gentleman.

I’ve been seeing a lot of E-cards going around that say, “Chivalry isn’t dead. It just followed wherever being lady-like went.” When I first saw this, I loved it! I feel like we women have gotten lazy, and you know from our previous posts on class and change that we hope to be different from the norm. BUT. Choosing to treat someone with respect because you have deemed them somehow lacking only makes YOU the person lacking class.

This thought process is exactly is what is fueling rape culture today and setting young men up to become possible rapists in the future. Think about it. If some girl is wearing a short skirt she must be a slut, and we’ve learned that we only treat certain people with respect if we feel like it. So…if she’s a slut and our young men don’t feel the need to respect her, if they want to take something that’s not theirs, it doesn’t really matter because their actions are not based on some moral compass of right and wrong, but rather on how they feel. That is terrifying, horrifying and unbelievably sad to me and I hope I can do something, no matter how small it is, to change that.

“Sluts” On A Subway

When I was 12 years old, my family and I took a load of furniture to some friends who had recently moved to New York.  It was July, blistering hot and we had a grand, if not sweaty, time playing tourists.

I remember all of us pouring out of the subway and faced with several long flights of steps that led up into the city. There were two prostitutes struggling with a stroller, obviously trying to figure out how to get the heavy, unwieldy thing plus the baby, up the flight of stairs in their stripper heels. These girls were not much older than me and their tiny, clubbing dresses were completely inappropriate for the afternoon. The skirts were short enough you could easily tell what kind of panties they favored. Just saying, that’s how short those dresses were.  Not only were their outfits inappropriate, they acted inappropriately. It made me feel uncomfortable to watch them.

My dad and his friend saw the girls struggling and instantly they each grabbed an end of the stroller and hauled the darn thing up two flights of stairs. With the child screaming its head off the whole time. They smiled at the girls and told them to have a nice day, and continued on their way.

This really isn’t that big of a deal because they do this sort of thing all the time. But my point is, they didn’t treat those girls any differently then they do my mother or Adrian and me. Because they were prostitutes and had all their body parts hanging out for all the world to see, it did not suddenly make it OK for them to treat those girls like a piece of meat. Why? Because they’re gentleman.

OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS AND MANNERS (or lack thereof) DO NOT GIVE ANY OF US THE RIGHT TO TREAT OTHER PEOPLE POORLY.

If that’s a deciding factor for you, I highly suggest you reevaluate where you are as a person. My father is constantly reminding me, “It’s not what happens to you Lizzy, it’s HOW you respond. That’s the only thing you have control over.”

Please, let us be the change we want to see around us. Let us act with love and class to our fellow man, regardless of whether they "deserve" it or not.

Please.

xo xo Elizabeth

Go From Insecure to Confident: Part Two

PART TWO

Change The Way You Think

When I was 14 years old, I was such a different person than I am today you probably wouldn’t even recognize me. If I felt uncomfortable in the least about anything, I would silently start screaming at myself. I would call myself names, tauntingly ask myself when I was going to mess up and when I invariably DID mess up (how can you not screw up when you treat yourself that way?!) I would hate myself. Looking back at the way I treated that poor girl, it makes me sad. I wasted so much time!

Most of us silently talk to ourselves in a manner we would never dream of addressing someone else. I used to be really, really good at hating myself. I was terrified of failure. I’m a perfectionist by nature and I allowed myself to slip into negative self-talk, which typically goes hand in hand with insecurity. Instinctively, I knew that if I wanted to be successful in life I couldn’t continue on down the path of self-loathing I was on. I knew that in order to change, I had to change the way I spoke to myself. I felt embarrassed when I first started changing my habits. I felt stupid for trying to build myself up which just goes to show you how insecure I really was. But I stuck with it, and slowly but surely by changing the way I spoke to myself, I changed the way I thought about myself.

When I would approach a situation that would make me nervous or uncomfortable, I would tell myself, “You can do this! And if you mess up, that’s OK Elizabeth! You’re human and by making a mistake you have only presented yourself with another opportunity to learn and try again!”  There were times I would lapse back into bad habits, because it’s easier to stick with what you know than encourage change in your life, even if that change is for good. Joel Osteen said, “Words are like seeds. If you dwell on them long enough, they will take root and flourish.” How right he was!

Change The Way You Talk

DO NOT talk about your struggles with insecurity on social networking sights. Your enemies will only use that against you and your true friends will probably already know. Talking about how unconfident you are is just wallowing in insecurity! Tell yourself that you are a brave, confident person and you don’t need other people’s praise to feel good about yourself. You may not feel that way right now, but you just keep telling yourself that and pretty soon you’ll believe it. Of course I don’t mean that you shouldn’t discuss your life and what you’re going through in life with the people you’re close to. Of course you should and you should value their input! All I mean is that everyone and their mother shouldn’t know all the dirty details of your inner life. Not everyone wants the best for you or help you grow, as unfortunate as that is.

Smile

Smile. It’s that simple. When we’re feeling insecure we generally retreat into ourselves and focus on what’s going on inside….and we forget to smile and come across stuck up, not friendly and insecure. When you smile you appear relaxed, approachable and confident, even if you’re not feeling that way at all! And as you know by now, appearing confident is half the trick!

Focus On Others

I’ve come to realize that when I start feeling insecure, I am focusing on myself. Insecurity is basically a form of selfishness. As soon as I feel myself starting to feel that I way, I try to focus on something outside of Elizabeth. Get someone talking about themselves and be genuinely interested in who they are. Before you know it you’ll be listening to what they have to say and your insecurities will start to melt away because you’re not feeding them by giving them attention. I’m sure you’ve heard the quote, “Feed your dreams and starve your fears.” This applies to confidence as well! By refusing to acknowledge your insecurity when it rears its ugly head, you are essentially starving it and allowing confidence to grow!

Go Forth and Conquer

You have all the tools within you to become the sparkling, confident person that you were meant to be. You just have to access them. I believe in you! Now run, don't walk, after your confidence Doll! 

“Confidence is a decision. You will never earn it. It will come when you decide to have it.”

xo xo Elizabeth

Go From Insecure To Confident: Part One

You know the feeling. Even if you swear up, down, left, right and center that you’ve never felt this way...just between you, me, and the fence post, you know you have. You walk into some event and you don’t know what to do with your hands. They feel too big for your body and everyone there is smarter, nicer and better at conversing than you. Everyone at some point has felt insecure and under qualified.

I have really good news though. You can change and you can become the most sparkling, confident and quietly awesome person that you allow yourself to be!

You know how I know this? Because I used to be the most insecure, unconfident, self-hating person I know. And I changed. If I can change, you can as well. You do have to want to change. You have to decide that you don’t want to be insecure any more and that it is only holding you back from greatness in your life. Some people talk all the time about how insecure they are but aren’t actually willing to make the change necessary to bring about results in their life. It’s easier to stick with what you know. That can be said of almost everything in life. Results demand that you step out of your comfort zone, try something new and not revert back to old habits when the going gets tough. It’s a lot easier to talk about the change you want to see than it is to actually live it.

Fake It Till You Make It

Here’s the thing that’s not very popular to say: it’s easier to tell yourself that you’re a failure than it is to try something and possibly mess it up. It takes courage to try and change parts of your character. It takes courage to try something new. Right now I want you to go ahead and tell yourself that you are brave for even thinking about doing the hard thing and that you can do this! You can!

First of all, fake it till you make it! So you’re not confident. Guess what? That’s OK. You just have to pretend that you are at first. Search out someone you know that is confident (confident, NOT cocky or blustery or a bully, there is a difference and those of us with insecurity issues can get confused), and copy the hell out of them.

Our insecurities frequently display themselves in our body language: a huge “tell” to the outside world. These are the easiest, “quick-fix” ways to can help you become more confident.  

Walk With Purpose People who are confident have a destination in mind and they walk as if they are determined to get there! Keep your chin up, look where you’re going and walk with a purpose! 

Don’t Slouch Stand up straight with your shoulders back and your chin up. Keep your hands out of your pockets and NEVER cross your arms. That is a huge sign that you’re feeling threatened or insecure. Fold your hands in your lap when you’re sitting or rest them on the arms of your chair. This is way more elegant and approachable looking to others.

Maintain Eye Contact When you’re talking to someone, look them in the eye, don’t stare off into the distance as if you were wishing that a big Mac were about to appear. Maintain eye contact with people and show that you are interested in what they are saying by paying attention to them.

Have A Good Handshake When you’re introduced to someone new, shake their hand well. Don’t present your hand like a cold, clammy fish. Your handshake says a lot about who you are. However, don’t squeeze their hand to death in a “I’m tougher, stronger and meaner than you,” sort of way either. Being overly aggressive appears just as insecure as not shaking someone’s hand, it just stems from a different place.

Dress Well Take pride in your appearance. This is a way of telling yourself and the world without having to use any words, that you matter. When you go out in public try to look as put together as possible. Maintain your hygiene, make sure your hair is washed, combed and done. This may sound silly, but scuffed or dirty shoes can make the best outfit look sloppy.

Stay Off Your Phone We frequently use our cell phones as a crutch. I read a quote the other day that said that the President of the United States is the most powerful man in the world and he doesn’t carry a phone. That really resonated with me! If you’re in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, don’t instantly retreat to your phone for security. Face what’s bothering you head on.

Educate Yourself Many times insecurity comes from ignorance, or fear of appearing ignorant. Read and educate yourself! You are in control of your education and how you appear to others.

Get Really Good At One Thing Ina Garten, also known as The Barefoot Contessa, is a fantastic example of how helpful it is to be really good at something. Before she was an internationally known chef with a television show, she was a White House nuclear policy analyst without much cooking experience. When she and her husband, Jeffery, were first married, they were supposed to have Jeffery’s boss over for dinner. The week before the boss’s arrival, Ina made the dinner she was going to serve three times as practice. Basically, she was building her confidence up and by the time the boss arrived for dinner, boy howdy you can bet she felt good about that dinner! Focus on something, be that skateboarding, horseback riding, cooking etc...and get really good at it!

The wonderful thing about confidence is that it builds upon itself. When you try something that challenges you and you see success, this bolsters your already existing confidence! Next time an opportunity presents itself, you will be even more willing to challenge yourself because of the success you saw previously. The cycle repeats itself and your bank account of confidence will grow. That's pretty awesome, if you ask me.   

Check back in tomorrow for Part Two of Going from Insecure to Confident!! 

Click HERE to follow Buckaroo Barbie!!  

xo xo Elizabeth

The Difference Between Class and Sexiness And Why It Matters

Class. An intriguing word that to my ears, has always sounded slightly mysterious and exciting.

When I was a child I was obsessed with the concept of class and elegance. Ok, to be perfectly honest, I still am. I am one of those weirdos that LOVES etiquette books, style books, how-to anything books.

I found such a book from the 60’s in an old second hand shop entitled Elegance. I poured over its pages day after day, studying what made a classy and elegant woman and while some things may have changed since the 60’s, most of what they had to say still rings true. Class is timeless.

People who are classy care about something in life. Whether they are obsessed with carpentry, horses or boating, they have a style that is all of their own that speaks to who they are as a person on the inside. Sexy speaks only about the body and demands that people value them on account of their outward form.

A Playboy bunny is considered sexy, and Kate Middleton is without a doubt the epitome of class. While a Playboy bunny may illicit more salacious attention than quiet Kate, people of greater character and integrity will always appreciate class over sexiness.

We women have the unfortunate plight of getting less attractive as we age while men have the totally unfair advantage of getting better looking the older they get! Thankfully, class doesn’t fade with time or age. Look at Audrey Hepburn for example. She remained beautiful and elegant until the day she died, all because she was a classy woman.

What Does It Matter?

OK, fun little description Elizabeth, but what does it matter? Well, I’ll tell you: understanding the differences between class and sex appeal gives me the power to act a certain way. I can make conscious decisions about the way I act, dress, sit and walk so that I control how I come across.

*In writing this, I don’t want to come across as a hypocrite. I have been the most classless of women during some points of my life, and I will be the first to admit it. I can’t get better or grow unless I look to the future and the woman I want to be, rather than tripping over my past.

It’s not exactly expected of men and women these days to be classy, elegant, ladylike or gentlemanly. If you are, it sets you apart and makes you different, which can only be a good thing!

Class goes far beyond what and how you wear your clothes or the fine places you attend. It goes beyond your finances, schooling and outward marks of success. Class speaks of integrity, education (which is totally different than schooling) and character. Class cannot be bought and it is in my mind, one of the most important things I seek to cultivate in myself.

I know people with no college education, almost no income to spend on clothes and travel and they are classy down to their very core because they place importance on keeping themselves educated, carry themselves with dignity and always try to act with integrity. I know a former police chief who is without a doubt who I first think of when I think of a classy man. He is interested in something outside of himself (wine and running), continues his education even though he is now retired and seeks to make those around him comfortable by the way he speaks and acts.

It doesn’t matter how much money you have or what you do, class is within our reach if we search for it. I want to be classy, don’t you?

What Class Looks Like

Sexiness is instantly recognizable. It’s startling, it eye catching and well, it’s sexy. Someone who is sexy, be they man or woman, are generally hyper-aware of themselves and the way they are presenting themselves.

Adrian and I traveled to Nashville, TN last year for some business meetings that related to her music. We went to a dinner meeting where most of the people present had either written songs that you would instantly recognize, or had performed them. One musician who was there is known for his involvement in the Trans Siberian Orchestra. If you haven’t heard of them, look up their version of Carol of the Bells. Amazing. Anyway, this guy was probably one of the sexiest guys I’ve ever met. He practically oozed sexy. You know what else? He was totally aware of it. He was vigilant about being perceived that way at all times and it was a turn off! It didn’t matter how attractive he was, the fact that he had some major sex appeal couldn’t cover up the fact that he had no class.

Class can be perceived in many ways and from the length of this post, is obviously not easy to define! It manifests itself physically, socially and in that person’s character. Here are some of the main ways we can seek to cultivate class in ourselves.

Dress  Men and women who are classy always attempt to dress nicely. Even if they can’t afford designer clothing, they attempt to put together something unique, clean and elegant. They also pay special attention to personal hygiene. Once you start looking for it, you’ll notice that classy people always pay attention to seemingly small details in their appearance. A good rule of thumb can be found in the old saying that my mums always reminded Adrian and me while growing up, “It is better to be overdressed than underdressed.” Someone with class will know however, that it is just as inappropriate to appear dressed for a club when attending a rodeo as it is to attend a wedding dressed for a rodeo.

Manners  Class will most definitely show itself in manners! Proper table manners, conversational skills and knowing what is appropriate when all lend themselves to making the people around you comfortable, and that is truly classy.

Here are some ideas when it comes to manners.

•      Eating with mouth closed.
•       Having good posture.
•       Knowing what utensils to use at the dinner table.
•       Making guests feel comfortable and relaxed.
•       Not talking too loudly or causing an unneeded scene in public.
•       Not swearing in public. (This is my downfall!)
•       Being interested in other people.

Carriage  Classy people carry themselves with elegance and dignity. They stand up straight, they walk with purpose, they don’t slouch and they react to the people around them properly. This may sound like just another list of manners, but in reality, the way you carry yourself has to do with character, what you think about yourself and your ability to read the people around you.

Authenticity  Being classy has to be a way of life, not a mask you put on and off for special occasions or else it will come across loud and clear and you’ll be branded as a phony. That also means being authentic to who you are and standing up for yourself and others when needed.

Passion  Classy men and women are almost always passionate about something, be that Unicef, ranch roping or baking. Care about something outside of yourself, your looks and your Facebook! Find something you love and invest yourself in it. Seek to grow, to learn and help others who are also interested in the same thing.

Education  There is a difference between schooling and an education. You can receive an education from school, but that depends entirely upon your attitude. An education is something you seek, day in and day out, for the rest of your life. It’s a way of thinking about life in general, and whether you approach life as an opportunity to learn something, rather than just making do. Classy people keep themselves educated by staying up to date with current events and reading lots of books, about lots of different subjects.  The easiest way to start focusing on your education? Read.

Be Considerate  Classy men and women are without a doubt some of the most considerate people I’ve ever met. They put themselves in other peoples’ shoes and act accordingly. They’re kind and live by the golden rule.

Living It

Thankfully, caring about class is half the battle. Knowledge is power and being able to understand what makes someone classy gives US the ability to implement it into our everyday lives. We will mess up, we will get frustrated and at times we will act like classless, unmannered bores. BUT. We are here for each other and through encouragement and never giving up, I know we can influence the world around us.

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xo xo Elizabeth