Hiding Behind A Smile

Remember when I used to post almost every day??

Remember when my goal was to be as inspiring, uplifting, and encouraging as possible through a computer screen??

Ya it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I missed you guys.

The truth is sometimes you have to allow yourself to not be OK. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to be a mess. To grieve. To wonder and scream and cry “Why????”

So I did just that. Some of you who follow Adrian’s story know that she was in an abusive relationship and hurt very badly as a young girl. She’s just now starting to be able to talk about it and the pain and helplessness of watching the person you love the most in life try to heal and rebuild their lives from the ground up….is just indescribable. It hurts and it causes you (or me at least) to hate almost everything, including myself with a vehemence I didn’t know I had.

We’ve been so close since the moment of her birth. How could I have not realized what was going on and why, why, why was I so blind?

Guilt and anger and sadness became so much a part of my life that I didn’t know how to write about anything other than those feelings. Not exactly the stuff you want to spew on a blog that’s meant to encourage and uplift people.

BUT.

I went ahead and cried. I mean, I really cried. Like all the freaking time. It was obnoxious and I had no control over when or where it would happen. I railed at the heavens and the Heavenly Father that I felt abandoned me and those I loved. And Adrian and I talked and talked and finally started to get to a place of healing in our relationship.

And I took a friend’s advice and instead of “spending” my time, I started investing my time in things and people. I found peace and quiet in hiking and topping out big hills that make my legs and lungs ache. I started climbing and found the welcoming spirit of the climbing community refreshing, to say the least. I quit (yes, I quit something!) the school I hated and found a part-time job instead. I challenged myself to get out more and meet new people and step outside of my comfort zone in a non-cowboy way.

And you know what? I’m soooo glad I took the time to be a mess because it means I’m able to start rebuilding and letting go of all the negativity and sadness and anger that’s been a part of my life for the last 4 years.

So.

There you have it.

We’ve been through enough together since the beginning of the blog, and I received another letter the other day saying how perfect my life is. Guess what? It’s not and it’s OK.

It’s messy and fucking painful and beautiful and full of love.

Hang in there, peeps and take the time to have a complete and utter breakdown if you need to. It might just do you a world of good.

xo xo Liz

It's Not Like The Movies

I was going to post an awesome beauty post today, but to be completely honest, I had the worst day that I’ve had in…I don’t even know how long. Usually when I have a rough day I work out harder and longer, smile wider, laugh more and pretend that nothing is wrong in an effort to trick myself into think that it’s really not that wretched.

Today I said “screw it” and just owned up to the fact that I was having a bad day, and you know what? It was OK. Sometimes I think we need permission to not pretend that everything is fine and that we’re strong and we have it all together 24/7.

Maybe, just occasionally, it’s good to go ahead and be a hot mess.

The thing about grief is that it pops up at the weirdest times…years after whatever has hurt us and we think we’ve dealt with the pain and tidied the memories away into neat little boxes…out of no where guilt and despair and sorrow overwhelm us.

I watched Frozen at my sister’s request last night…and I sobbed through the entire thing. All I could think was how incredibly unfair the hand some people have been dealt in life is, and life is NOT like the movies. I cried at a freaking Disney movie! Who does that?! Uhh...this dude. 

In Frozen the girl gets to save her sister…but what if you’re the girl and you can’t go back in time and save your sister from the horrifying things that happened to her? Unfortunately, I can’t. And as much as I rail and hate God for allowing bad things to happening to the people I love, I can’t change it. It’s not like the movies, Katy Perry was right there, no matter how badly I want it to be. I’m slowly learning (like I’m really slow…it’s taking me years) that God’s hand has been on us this whole time.  No amount of wishing is going to change someone’s story and you can’t fix it for the people you love, no matter how hard you try. You just end up sad and exhausted in the end.

So instead of pretending that I was superwoman, today I was just Liz.

When I felt like crying….I cried.

I felt exhausted and drained and sleepy….so I took a nap.

I wanted a burger instead of a salad for lunch…so I ordered one. And then I had a beer.

I couldn’t focus or think straight….so I didn’t worry about it. I just was. And it was OK. 

So, I tried something new. I cried. A lot. Heck, I’m still crying! And I talked out loud about what was bothering me. I think I may even feel a little better. I hope one of these days when you have a truly bad one, you give yourself the luxury of having a shitty day. Some days it turns out that in order to be strong, you have to allow yourself to be weak.

xo xo Liz