Hiding Behind A Smile

Remember when I used to post almost every day??

Remember when my goal was to be as inspiring, uplifting, and encouraging as possible through a computer screen??

Ya it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I missed you guys.

The truth is sometimes you have to allow yourself to not be OK. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to be a mess. To grieve. To wonder and scream and cry “Why????”

So I did just that. Some of you who follow Adrian’s story know that she was in an abusive relationship and hurt very badly as a young girl. She’s just now starting to be able to talk about it and the pain and helplessness of watching the person you love the most in life try to heal and rebuild their lives from the ground up….is just indescribable. It hurts and it causes you (or me at least) to hate almost everything, including myself with a vehemence I didn’t know I had.

We’ve been so close since the moment of her birth. How could I have not realized what was going on and why, why, why was I so blind?

Guilt and anger and sadness became so much a part of my life that I didn’t know how to write about anything other than those feelings. Not exactly the stuff you want to spew on a blog that’s meant to encourage and uplift people.

BUT.

I went ahead and cried. I mean, I really cried. Like all the freaking time. It was obnoxious and I had no control over when or where it would happen. I railed at the heavens and the Heavenly Father that I felt abandoned me and those I loved. And Adrian and I talked and talked and finally started to get to a place of healing in our relationship.

And I took a friend’s advice and instead of “spending” my time, I started investing my time in things and people. I found peace and quiet in hiking and topping out big hills that make my legs and lungs ache. I started climbing and found the welcoming spirit of the climbing community refreshing, to say the least. I quit (yes, I quit something!) the school I hated and found a part-time job instead. I challenged myself to get out more and meet new people and step outside of my comfort zone in a non-cowboy way.

And you know what? I’m soooo glad I took the time to be a mess because it means I’m able to start rebuilding and letting go of all the negativity and sadness and anger that’s been a part of my life for the last 4 years.

So.

There you have it.

We’ve been through enough together since the beginning of the blog, and I received another letter the other day saying how perfect my life is. Guess what? It’s not and it’s OK.

It’s messy and fucking painful and beautiful and full of love.

Hang in there, peeps and take the time to have a complete and utter breakdown if you need to. It might just do you a world of good.

xo xo Liz