Thursday, April 3, 2014

It's Not Like The Movies

I was going to post an awesome beauty post today, but to be completely honest, I had the worst day that I’ve had in…I don’t even know how long. Usually when I have a rough day I work out harder and longer, smile wider, laugh more and pretend that nothing is wrong in an effort to trick myself into think that it’s really not that wretched.

Today I said “screw it” and just owned up to the fact that I was having a bad day, and you know what? It was OK. Sometimes I think we need permission to not pretend that everything is fine and that we’re strong and we have it all together 24/7.

Maybe, just occasionally, it’s good to go ahead and be a hot mess.

The thing about grief is that it pops up at the weirdest times…years after whatever has hurt us and we think we’ve dealt with the pain and tidied the memories away into neat little boxes…out of no where guilt and despair and sorrow overwhelm us.

I watched Frozen at my sister’s request last night…and I sobbed through the entire thing. All I could think was how incredibly unfair the hand some people have been dealt in life is, and life is NOT like the movies. I cried at a freaking Disney movie! Who does that?! Uhh...this dude. 

In Frozen the girl gets to save her sister…but what if you’re the girl and you can’t go back in time and save your sister from the horrifying things that happened to her? Unfortunately, I can’t. And as much as I rail and hate God for allowing bad things to happening to the people I love, I can’t change it. It’s not like the movies, Katy Perry was right there, no matter how badly I want it to be. I’m slowly learning (like I’m really slow…it’s taking me years) that God’s hand has been on us this whole time.  No amount of wishing is going to change someone’s story and you can’t fix it for the people you love, no matter how hard you try. You just end up sad and exhausted in the end.

So instead of pretending that I was superwoman, today I was just Liz.

When I felt like crying….I cried.

I felt exhausted and drained and sleepy….so I took a nap.

I wanted a burger instead of a salad for lunch…so I ordered one. And then I had a beer.

I couldn’t focus or think straight….so I didn’t worry about it. I just was. And it was OK. 

So, I tried something new. I cried. A lot. Heck, I’m still crying! And I talked out loud about what was bothering me. I think I may even feel a little better. I hope one of these days when you have a truly bad one, you give yourself the luxury of having a shitty day. Some days it turns out that in order to be strong, you have to allow yourself to be weak.

xo xo Liz 

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing quite like that helpless feeling you must endure when someone you love is in pain or something horrendous has happened to them. Though I have never met either of you Buckaroo Beauties I've been listening to Adrian since her first album came out and just generally love what you share on the ol' interweb :) Bad days are allowed, bad weeks are allowed, pity parties are okay too as long as you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get going again. People get very hung up on being "busy" and "fine" all of the time, personally I think part of the human experience is learning to just be, feel what there is to feel. A very wise woman once taught me the difference between accepting and allowing. As a survivor of a decade of severe sexual abuse I've had my fair share of struggle with my demons. When you accept something has happened it doesn't mean that it was okay. It doesn't mean you let it happen. Doesn't mean you allowed it. It doesn't mean anything other than that you know it happened and you can't change it. Accepting it removes our need to own, feel guilt or helplessness. You've accepted that this is simply one piece of the beautiful puzzle that makes you, you. The one thing I learned through the entire experience that was valuable was that every time you help someone else with your experience, your honesty, your story, your words or just listening to them your demons get less scary. They're smaller, they're quieter. Just my experience. You two are blessed to have each other, tomorrow the sun comes up again and it's a clean, new, day.