Hiding Behind A Smile

Remember when I used to post almost every day??

Remember when my goal was to be as inspiring, uplifting, and encouraging as possible through a computer screen??

Ya it’s been a while, hasn’t it?

I missed you guys.

The truth is sometimes you have to allow yourself to not be OK. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to be a mess. To grieve. To wonder and scream and cry “Why????”

So I did just that. Some of you who follow Adrian’s story know that she was in an abusive relationship and hurt very badly as a young girl. She’s just now starting to be able to talk about it and the pain and helplessness of watching the person you love the most in life try to heal and rebuild their lives from the ground up….is just indescribable. It hurts and it causes you (or me at least) to hate almost everything, including myself with a vehemence I didn’t know I had.

We’ve been so close since the moment of her birth. How could I have not realized what was going on and why, why, why was I so blind?

Guilt and anger and sadness became so much a part of my life that I didn’t know how to write about anything other than those feelings. Not exactly the stuff you want to spew on a blog that’s meant to encourage and uplift people.

BUT.

I went ahead and cried. I mean, I really cried. Like all the freaking time. It was obnoxious and I had no control over when or where it would happen. I railed at the heavens and the Heavenly Father that I felt abandoned me and those I loved. And Adrian and I talked and talked and finally started to get to a place of healing in our relationship.

And I took a friend’s advice and instead of “spending” my time, I started investing my time in things and people. I found peace and quiet in hiking and topping out big hills that make my legs and lungs ache. I started climbing and found the welcoming spirit of the climbing community refreshing, to say the least. I quit (yes, I quit something!) the school I hated and found a part-time job instead. I challenged myself to get out more and meet new people and step outside of my comfort zone in a non-cowboy way.

And you know what? I’m soooo glad I took the time to be a mess because it means I’m able to start rebuilding and letting go of all the negativity and sadness and anger that’s been a part of my life for the last 4 years.

So.

There you have it.

We’ve been through enough together since the beginning of the blog, and I received another letter the other day saying how perfect my life is. Guess what? It’s not and it’s OK.

It’s messy and fucking painful and beautiful and full of love.

Hang in there, peeps and take the time to have a complete and utter breakdown if you need to. It might just do you a world of good.

xo xo Liz

It's Not Like The Movies

I was going to post an awesome beauty post today, but to be completely honest, I had the worst day that I’ve had in…I don’t even know how long. Usually when I have a rough day I work out harder and longer, smile wider, laugh more and pretend that nothing is wrong in an effort to trick myself into think that it’s really not that wretched.

Today I said “screw it” and just owned up to the fact that I was having a bad day, and you know what? It was OK. Sometimes I think we need permission to not pretend that everything is fine and that we’re strong and we have it all together 24/7.

Maybe, just occasionally, it’s good to go ahead and be a hot mess.

The thing about grief is that it pops up at the weirdest times…years after whatever has hurt us and we think we’ve dealt with the pain and tidied the memories away into neat little boxes…out of no where guilt and despair and sorrow overwhelm us.

I watched Frozen at my sister’s request last night…and I sobbed through the entire thing. All I could think was how incredibly unfair the hand some people have been dealt in life is, and life is NOT like the movies. I cried at a freaking Disney movie! Who does that?! Uhh...this dude. 

In Frozen the girl gets to save her sister…but what if you’re the girl and you can’t go back in time and save your sister from the horrifying things that happened to her? Unfortunately, I can’t. And as much as I rail and hate God for allowing bad things to happening to the people I love, I can’t change it. It’s not like the movies, Katy Perry was right there, no matter how badly I want it to be. I’m slowly learning (like I’m really slow…it’s taking me years) that God’s hand has been on us this whole time.  No amount of wishing is going to change someone’s story and you can’t fix it for the people you love, no matter how hard you try. You just end up sad and exhausted in the end.

So instead of pretending that I was superwoman, today I was just Liz.

When I felt like crying….I cried.

I felt exhausted and drained and sleepy….so I took a nap.

I wanted a burger instead of a salad for lunch…so I ordered one. And then I had a beer.

I couldn’t focus or think straight….so I didn’t worry about it. I just was. And it was OK. 

So, I tried something new. I cried. A lot. Heck, I’m still crying! And I talked out loud about what was bothering me. I think I may even feel a little better. I hope one of these days when you have a truly bad one, you give yourself the luxury of having a shitty day. Some days it turns out that in order to be strong, you have to allow yourself to be weak.

xo xo Liz 

Jagged Edges

We are all of us jagged edges,

Scars ripped through bone and memory that heals with a painful bump.

Smooth corners and unscathed hearts are not as strong as yours;

Your jagged edges are beautiful.

You are the stories you have yet to live,

The work-sore muscles, salty, sweaty kisses

And beers gulped appreciatively at midnight.

You will be found in the corner of your daughter’s mouth,

That secret smile awaiting some boy’s attention to call it out of hiding…

Just like her daddy discovered yours.

You are the hungry who gather around your dinner table,

The widows you hug,

The orphans you love as your own.

You are the hope you bring to others,

The wrong that’s been done to you by others and,

The kindness that you use to patch the holes of pain.

You are the work worn callouses on his palms,

The blue rope twirling around your head come branding time,

The bunch of daffodils next to the kitchen sink.

You are a beautiful,

Crazy,

Dancing

Loving

Laughing

Crying

Woman

Full of jagged edges.

xo xo Liz 

Photo Credit: tumblr 

For The Sake Of A Good Cowboy

Several years ago, I was visiting some friends where I used to work in Nevada, and after a rodeo we all went out and went dancing. I was pretty sick with Lyme disease at that point and getting out and dancing and living it up with was a great treat, albeit exhausting. I was sitting there with my friends, when all of a sudden I had a wretched smothering attack (these are really common when you have Lyme disease. They are also not any fun at all because it feels like you have an elephant on your chest and are slowly being smothered to death.) I don’t remember saying anything about it, just looked down and concentrated on breathing (i.e. told myself sternly that I was not allowed to freak out in public!) when a cowboy who had been sitting with me and my friend at the bar, got up and came and stood beside me. He never said anything, didn’t do anything, just stood there. And for some reason his silent companionship was hugely comforting. He alone, out of sea of people around me, noticed that I didn’t feel well and just offered the support of standing there beside me, and I thought to myself, “This is a nice guy.” That was the night I met Randy McCLure.  Besides being a terrific dancer, Randy’s a hell of a bronc rider, fun and kind to boot (hehehe this kind of sounds like a personal ad at this point! Hehehehe sorry bud!) and he has worked around some pretty cool outfits throughout the ION area. There are a lot of really great cowboys out there these days, but so many of them are a$$holes. Sorry, but they are. They might have some surface manners, but a kind heart? They’re pretty rare. When you meet a nice one, it’s awfully refreshing. Plus, Randy’s the reason I want to hunt a caribou sometime, supposedly they’re not terribly smart!

Last week Randy was in a car accident that involved a rolled pickup and was life-flighted to The University of Utah Medical Center. There he underwent surgery to fuse his neck and they’re watching his broken back until they know more. As of right now he can move his arms but no movement in his legs. Please pray for my friend who LOVES to cowboy and is actively working his butt off to get better. As someone who has had what they love to do taken away from them due to illness, I know how hard it can be to look at the time involved in getting better and not get discouraged. But I also know first hand how the prayers of friends and loved ones can encourage and uplift you on a hard day, so please keep Randy in your thoughts and prayers. He made me feel better during a time when I was really discouraged and didn’t feel well, and I felt like he somehow understood what I was going through.

Keep up your hard work Randy, you are a tough man and you are incredibly inspiring to us by your determination to work hard at getting better. We love you bud and are rooting for you!

Randy’s also the 2012 recipient for the Cowboy Crisis Fund through the WSRRA and they’re holding a silent auction during the WSRRA National Finals Rodeo November 1 through the 4^th in Winnemucca, NV. If anyone is interested in giving a cash donation or an auction item you can contact the WSRRA at info@wsrra.org or by calling (916) 296-2326. Seeing how the cowboy world rallies around those that are wounded and hurting always makes my heart happy, and this really makes it do a happy dance. If you’re led, you can walk into any Wells Fargo branch and make a donation under Randy McClure’s name.

Take every day as a gift and treasure your friends and family.

We’re on your side RANDY!!!

                                                          Photo Credit: Lee Raine

xo xo Liz 

Angry

I have, as you may have noticed, been avoiding you all lately.

As in, doing ANYTHING besides posting or writing.  But of course, in the absence of the daily ritual of setting pen to paper, my need to do just that has built up until it is now overwhelming, and so here I am. With my tail between my legs, asking for your forgiveness and determining to start over again, fresh and new.

The last few weeks have felt like anything that could sadden or hurt me or my family, has been happening. One right after the other and to be perfectly honest with you all, I’ve been ANGRY. No not angry, pissed, in a decidedly unladylike way. I would start to think about something that had happened, either to me or someone I loved, and it felt like clamps were closing around my heart, I’d start shaking and a couple times I was just so angry I CRIED, and that just made me even more mad!! I hate it when I cry! And while a little anger can be healthy in some circumstances, I was above and beyond that point. And I didn’t really want to infect you all with it. Hence, the avoiding.

OK, so now that is off my chest, we can be friends again.

But honestly, does that ever happen to you? You sink into a mood so deep and strong that you begin to feel as if you will never recover from it? My grandfather calls it being in a funk. Thankfully, the times like those you are presented with the opportunity to learn a little about yourself. You discover what is and isn’t important to you and you make decisions about what you will and will not allow to upset and affect you. I’ve discovered mine and I think I’m actually invigorated. I’ve been able to examine and see where I should have been mad and where I shouldn’t have. I all of a sudden have more energy, ready to take on any task and tackle the world once again. You know how it feels and smells when there’s been a spring rain and it just seems like the world got its face washed? That’s what I feel like and it feels good.  

This weekend is the last hurrah of summer, I hope you use it as a metaphorical means to throw off the blues (or in my case the mean reds!) or whatever it is that may be dogging you…

We all of us need time occasionally to just recharge our batteries, indulge in a few frowns and maybe drink a gin and tonic or two.

Happy Labor Day Weekend!!

xo xo Liz